Orgasm

 

By Suparna Sharma
Nov. 16, 2013


Kuch hi days pehle ki baat hai ki main ek cinema hall mein baithi thi. Bada-hi sexy foreplay chal raha tha. Hamari pyari Sunny Leone, jin-se hum-sab ladies ko bahut umeedein theen, uk ki pehli film, Jism 3, thi. 

Chumma-chaati zor pakad rahi thi. Randeep Hooda’s hand Sunnyji ke jawan-jawan jism pe paglet snake ki tarah lot-pot ho raha tha ki, suddenly, Hoodaji ne tongue-to-tongue and tongue-to-other-bodily-parts action initiate kiya.

Hai! Hot-hot steam was coming out of my ears. 

Heaving-sheaving, heavy breathing itni thi ki I took out my asthma puff. Shayad Sunnyji ko zaroorat pade. But just then Hoodaji ki dekha-dekhi Sunnyji ne bhi apne paseene-se-bheege kapde utar diye and donon ek doosre se aise lipte jaise over-boiled noodles. Censor chahta bhi toh unhen alag karna mushkil tha.

Mahila Mandal ki umeedein jag gayi theen – Sunnyji will give us what no one has given us in 100 years of Bollywood: Ek Sundar aur Tikau Orgasm.
But no. The camera cut to Hoodaji’s silent shriek and then it cut to Sunnyji in deep nidra mode.

Bharatiya screen par, Mehtab se Mandakini tak, Mumtaz se Madhuri tak, Silk Smitha se Sridevi tak, Kamini Kaushal se Kareena Kapoor tak, Sharmila se Sonakshi tak, Helen se Mallika Sherawat tak, sab heroines ne apni-apni Orgasm ki ichcha bade saare styles mein Bollywood ke naami-girami heroes ke saamne rakhi. 

Some sporty ladies climbed mountains, aur wahan Ganga Maiya ki chatra-chaya mein, nangu-pangu ho kar apni request gaate-gaate batai. 

Helenji ne nightclubs mein daru-sharu chada ke, laj-sharam ke chithre pehen ke gane gaye: “Piya tu ab toh aa ja… tan ki jwala thandi ho-jaye aise gale laga ja… ah a aha, ah a aha, ah a aha…”
And when this didn’t work, she upped the ante: “Aao na, gale laga lo na, lagi bhuja do na, o jane-jannnnnn…”

Padma Khannaji ne Premnathji ko legs utha-utha ke, thighs hila-hila ke pucha: “Husn ke… laakhon rang… konsa ang dekho ge…” 

Ang-pradarshan mein ladies overtook boys. 

Satyam Shivam Sundaram mein Zeenatji pranced around in what can only be described as a reluctant saree and a kaam-chor blouse. But Shashiji unki umeed pe khare na utar sake.

But still, ladies Orgasm ke pursuit mein lagi rahin. Kabhi koi chudail banin, toh koi nagin. But always, heroes hi apni pant ki zip band karte hue, happy-happy nazar aaye. Ladies toh bechari sad-sad si hi rahin, janmon, janmon ki pyaasi.

But, you know, jab Guru Duttji scene pe aye, Jesus ke pose mein, toh phir hamari umeedein jaagin. Kitni feeling se unhonne gaya: “Har ek jism ghayal, har ek rooh pyaasi, nigahon mein uljhan, dilon mein udasi…” 

Hamein laga ki kuch toh kamal dikhayenge, Guruji.

But no. Jab Waheedaji ne ek Bhajan Mandali ka support lete hue terrace pe jaa ke Guruji ke saamne apni request rakhi – ki “Aaj sajan mohe ang laga lo, janam safal ho jaaye… Hriday ki peeda, deh ki agni sab sheetal ho jaye…” — toh Guruji ne unhen royal ignore mara.

Mughal-e-Azam mein hi dekh leejiye. Just as Shekhu was getting down to some serious business, Zille-Ilahi ne aa-kar itna syappa kiya ki Kaneez depression ke mare behosh ho gayi.

And not just this. Jab-jab heroines ne Orgasm ki bedhadak maang ki, Sarkar & Sansar ne apna disapproval dikhaya – kabhi bijli kadki, kabhi asman phata, kahin ped gire, kahin dams fat-te. And often, bageeche ke sweet-sweet phool ek doosre se bhid gaye. 

Aarti ki thaliyan bhi girin, batti gul ho gayi, aur agar phir bhi maang kam nahin hui, toh ladki ki god-bhar-gayi. 

Sadiyaan beet gayin, but nariyan pyasi ki pyasi hi rahin. 

Finally, many patjhad-savan ke baad, ladkiyon ki mehnat rang layi. 

Parinda mein, Anil Kapoorji ne finally Madhuriji ke dhak-dhak dil ko shaant kiya. But hai, is-se pehle ki Madhuriji hum sab ki taraf se unhein “thank you” keh saktin, dono hi Parlok sidhar gaye. And again, we were back to O-no days. 

But hamari Bollywood ki ladkiyon ki devotion dekhiye — unhon-ne phir bhi umeed abandon nahin ki.
For no rhyme or reason woh nahati rahin, bathtub mein foam bhar-bhar ke gane gati rahin. Small-small, ajeeb-o-gareen blouses silwaye, bichoo se dank marvaye, bina flip-flops ke kaanton pe chalin. Kisi ne khatiya sarkai, kisi ne apne kapde utare, aur kise ne hero ke kurte faade. 

Munni and her friends badnam huin, but phir bhi Orgasm ka koi nam-o-nishan nahin. 

Ladkon se be-umeed ho kar ladies ne finally ladies ka support liya, aur tab unhen mila The Big O.
Hemaji ko Punjab de puttar Dharamji ne nahin, Parveen Babi ne Orgasm dilaya.
Shabanaji ko jab Nandita Das milin, tabhi unhon-ne jana ki O kya cheez hai. Despite the fact that ladies ka success rate 100 per cent tha, these lesbian nights were few and forbidden delights.

And so it was back to the grind. 

It was only at the fag-end of un-neesvi-sadi that kuch badla, hamari kismet palti. 

Agar Kamal Amrohi saab zinda hote toh kehte:
“Hazaron saal nargis apni be-noori pe roti hai
Badi mushkil se hota hai chaman mein deedawar paida.”

Bhagwan ne hamari sun li thi. But na toh Ram ke bhakton ne, na hi Jesu ke lovers ne, hamein kisi ne Orgasm diya toh Allah ke nek bandon ne.

First toh Shah Rukh Khan ne Maya Memsaab ki service mein koi kasar nahin chchodi. Phir, Drishti mein, Irrfan Khan ne Dimpleji ke saath itni beautiful jugalbandi ki ke hamein “Raat bharrrrr… Khan kiii yaad aati rahi…”

Imraan Khan toh took it a step further and went down on Shenaz Tresurywala in Delhi Belly.
Yeh itna ajeeb-o-gareeb nazara tha that mere aas-paas ke aadmi jor-jor se soch rahe the: “Imraan ki awaaz to aa rahi hai, but woh sala hai kahan? Aur yeh Sherna jal-bin-machli ki tarah chat-pata kyun rahi hai? Dengue ho gaya hai kya, ya koi daravna sapna hai?”

Sapna toh hamara sach hua jab Emraan Hashmi hamari zindagi mein aaye. Mallika Sharawat se Bipasha Basu tak, Prachi Desai se Kangana Ranaut tak, Hashmiji sab ki umeedon pe khare utre. 

But sawal yeh hai ki hamara Bollywood, jo boobs dikhata hai, unhein press bhi karvata hai, hips and chest hilla-hilla ke desh ko pareshan karta hai, woh ladies ke aane se, I mean female Orgasm se, itna darta kyun hai?

Bahut research ke baad mera nateeza yeh hai, ki “Aadmi hai bandar, bandar, aadmi hai bandar…”
Hum-ne aadmiyon ko sau-saal diye, and unhon-ne khaya-piya kuch nahin, gilaas toda barah-ana.
So the next 100 years must belong to women. 

Ladkiyon ko mauka deejiye, aur phir dekhiye — har kali muskayegi, har bhanwara gungunayega. Ladies hi dilayengi hamein hamara Big, Fat, Multiple Orgasm.